Wednesday, 29 August 2007

After the nuclear holocaust

My top three survivor predictions are:

1) Cockroaches: This is a classic. They've been scuttling across the planet for 300 million years now, and are showing no signs of being eradicated. They're number one on my list of survivor predictions.
2) The half jar of sundried tomatoes which has lived in the fridge for at least twelve months without the slightest hint of decomposition or consumption: It may be a case of premature extrapolation, but I confidently predict they will survive the end of the world. This may be without merits, as I assume they will provide a tasty and nutritious snack for any mutated cockroaches with opposable thumbs that can get the jar open.
3) Noel Edmonds: Having survived a whole series of crass and ridiculous shows and still having something resembling a career, Noel is the ultimate survivor. He might get a bit bored of eating nothing but sun-dried tomatoes, but I suspect he'll get along well with the 'roaches. They can't be worse companions than Mr Blobby...

Any advance on the cockroaches, anyone?


Gary said...

You may not want to read this shortly before a mealtime.

When in an apartment in Barbados one evening I spent an hour chasing a five inch long cockroach around the place, it terrified the life out of me and when it hid underneath my bed I just had to get rid of it before I went to sleep.

It made a run for the bedroom dor and I flung a shoe at it which caught it just behind the head, decapitating it - the head stayed on the floor and the body kept on running, made it to the front door and ran outside.

I didn't sleep all night.

trousers said...

I have one suggestion: A slice of bread that was pinned to a student friend's kitchen wall soon after he moved in. I can't remember why it was pinned there (nothing more than spurious student-type "wackiness" perhaps), but in the two years that he lived there not a single spot of mould was visible on it.

Sun-dried tomato sandwich anyone?

trousers said...

Damn - just read gary's post. Amazing!

Pixie said...

The life force that is my eldest son's shoes..... No one on the planet has shoes that smell so bad that the smell is still there weeks afer he and his shoes have moved out.

KindaBlue said...

My suspicion is this: should nuclear war lay waste to the world, rending asunder in seconds all that mankind hath taken millennia to create, there will be nothing to be heard above the howling winds of the nuclear winter, save for a lone, jubilant Scots voice intoning:

"Zero inflation - we've won!"

Andrew said...

'It may be a case of premature extrapolation'

Scientifically dubious and almost-smutty-but-not-quite, all in one phrase.


DJ Kirkby said...

gary, wow and yech! i ahd a flat with cockroaches, it was the worst month of my life! But Why I completly agree with you, the cockroaches are never going away.

But Why? said...

5 inches is rather impressive. There are two things I didn't quite understand: 1) the cockroach terrified the life out of you, but you chased it, regardless. I usually run away from things which terrify the life out of me. I suspect it's one of those reactions which is dependent on testosterone levels. 2) Having got the oversized coackroach to run in the desired direction (out of the bedroom and towards the front door), you then fling a shoe to decapitate the thing, forcing it to leave its head behind for you as a souvenier. Most bizarre. But seriously, how horrifically wonderful!!

Ah, I do so miss those days of student randomness... What variety of bread was it?? Sounds like we could use some of that at home. Mind you, I guess it was pretty dry and unpalatable after two years. Perhaps I'm not such a fan as I first thought. Sundried tomato sandwiches are rather nice, but I like my bread to bend without shattering into crumbs.

You must be very proud of your eldest's special talent for producing foot odour. Perhaps you can find some way of marketing it and become very rich??

Ouch. I take your point. One of the most certain ways to produce economic stability is of course to eradicate the economy. I'm just glad you don't work for a thinktank.

Thankyou. I aim to please...

Ugh. Eeeew. In your flat. Ick! How does one get rid of the things? Or is that impossible?

I once shared a pit latrine with a large nest (not sure if that's the right term) of cockroaches. It was all a bit icky at first, but they didn't do me any harm. I actually got quite fond of them after a while - it was the nearest thing we had to pets. I wouldn't have wanted them in the tent, though.

KindaBlue said...

Not that I'm advocating all-out warfare and the utter destruction of all life therein, you understand. There are limits, even to leftist dinosaurs like me.

DJ Kirkby said...

Well we had the place fumigated twice but no joy, the cockroaches stayed! So I left.